Editor’s Note: This letter is a satire.
Dearest Anwar,
Your old friend Najib here. Congratulations on your new role as my special caretaker during my upcoming house arrest!
Even though I never would have given you the same generosity when I helped put you in jail for all those years, it was very nice of you to assist me by covering up for me with the king’s house-arrest addendum.
Can I stay with youuuuuuu? Please? I promise I won’t try to steal the Prime Minister (PM) position from you. Your house is just so nice. As I really need a lot of special care for my “feelings”, here’s a guide to ensure that I’m happy staying at your home.
Daily Schedule:
8am – Relaxing Breakfast: I need a large bowl of quinoa and three Starbucks iced caramel macchiatos – two to drink and one to use for my social media posts. I am trying to become an influencer, so I need lots of food and drink to keep me going.
9am – Morning Affirmation Session: Before you go to work running the country, every morning I need you to stand in front of me and repeatedly tell me encouraging affirmations so that I can one day feel better about myself. Suggested affirmations: “You are not responsible”, “This is unfair to you”, “You never knew” and “It’s all Jho Low’s fault”.
11am – Naptime: Before I go back to sleep, scatter pink diamonds decoratively around my room to boost my morale. While these gems once symbolised my wife’s greed, they now serve as comforting reminders of happier days. I suggest putting the biggest one on my bedside table before I go back to sleep.
2pm – Lunch: Serve me food that’s easy to make like a quick lobster souffle or a Beef Wellington paired with another iced caramel macchiato (which must be extra sweet to offset the bitterness I feel about my situation). Remind me that I’ve been a good boy and that I’ve “earned it”, especially thus far I’ve behaved myself and haven’t tried to flee to Indonesia on “holiday”.
3.30pm – Afternoon Movie Time: I need absolutely everything else completely silent when I’m watching my daily afternoon movies. Include access to movies like The Wolf of Wall Street, Ocean’s Eleven, Heist and Catch Me If You Can. I find these highly motivational.
5.30pm – Afternoon Break: All this work is so tiring! Around this time, I tend to fart a lot. Don’t mind this – it’s just the quinoa talking. Sometimes I use this time to practice my next embarrassing sumpah laknat (praying for God to punish the lying party) so don’t bother me.
6pm – Support System: Ensure a constant flow of sycophant visitors to your house to sustain my ego. I love hearing from my weird, materialistic daughter how this was all everybody else’s fault and not mine.
7pm – Dinner Time: Whatever food you’re cooking for me, can you ensure it comes with a side dish of edible gold flakes? I need more nostalgia these days.
8pm – Bedtime: These nights I cry myself to sleep, moaning and calling out Zahid’s name in my sleep while muttering about how I created a “fairer and gentler society”. When I do this, I need you to softly snuggle my body and slowly wipe my tears away.
While I’m snoozing, keep all my valuables and bundles of cash in the bedside Birkin bags, and make sure Rosmah or anyone else doesn’t come and take them away while I’m asleep!
Thank you for your commitment, Anwar, in ensuring that my house arrest in your own home is as comfortable as possible. Come Jan 6, I look forward to escaping justice just so that I can wreak further damage upon the country.
Madani forever,
Najib Razak
Corruption Watch is a reader of Focus Malaysia.
The views expressed are solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Focus Malaysia.
